BY HANS HINEBAUGH

     Each year hundreds of writers and magazines try to convince you to buy everything in their “Hot Guide to Christmas,” however those items are better categorized under my “List of Crap.”  Below, you will find a guide to the top items you need to make your holiday picture-perfect, complete with snow, warmth, and chestnuts.  These vary from gifts to activities you must take part in this season.  Follow this list faithfully and you will find yourself having the most festive holiday season of all your neighbors, friends, and family.

The Classic Christmas Sweater

Price: You can’t put a price on something knitted out of love.

What: The classic Christmas sweater is everybody must endure at some point in their life.  Quite often it is made by hand, at home, and given to a relative.  However, with the modern convenience of the internet, shoppers now have the power to simply search “ugly Christmas sweater” on Amazon.com for these colorful articles of clothing.  Generally you can identify them by the bold, non-matching colors and corny, winter designs across the chest.

Why:  With a Christmas sweater, you can knock out two turtle doves with one stone.  What you are communicating to your giftee with such a present is that either you love them enough to make them clothing by hand, or you hate them enough to make them wear such attire.

Apple Products

Price: iPhone 5 from $199, iPad from $399, iPad Mini from $329, MacBook Pro from $1199

What:  Call it a fad, call it a lifestyle: the iCraze has taken ahold of people both young and old as each season brings new products.  Mariemont High School is not immune to the iCraze.  In a poll of 22 students ranging in age from freshmen to seniors, nearly a third of those polled listed an Apple Product in their top three presents for this Christmas.  It’s no wonder.  Now with the sleeker, faster iPhone 5, the trimmed down iPad Mini, and the impressive MacBook Pro, kids are jingling their bells to get in on the action.

Why:  Honestly, what else are you going to get?  Consider this: what else is out there that is worth passing up an Apple Product?  Christmas is your time to take it all.  You’ll never be able to afford these products the rest of the year, so demand them now.

A New Car

Price:  Anywhere from $500 to $1.2 million (A wide range of options)

What:  This gift is pretty self-explanatory.  A new car is a new car, and that’s all there is to it.  It’s especially a Christmas classic when you park it outside, cover it with snow, and top it with a nice red bow for your giftee to see when they bound down the stairs on Christmas morning.  Seeing as we may not have a whole lot of snow this December, you might want to just cover it with flour or a lot of salt.  They will get the idea.

Why:  A car is an expensive gift, putting the recipient in an eternal debt to you for buying them such a wonderful thing.  You can use this debt to score free rides and other favors for years, and by the time your mooching license expires, you will have saved a fortune in gas money!

Animals

Price: Can cost up to $2000 for the best dogs, or you can adopt

What:  It’s a classic scene: the children race downstairs, tear open a box, and out bound four puppies, barking and running around the living room.  Today, while you might get the Humane Society on your back for putting dogs in boxes, the present is still timeless.  Cats work as well, however trapping a cat in a dark box overnight may cause it to claw at the giftee when the present is opened on Christmas morning.

Why:  Animals are lasting, caring friends.  After a tough day at school, it’s nice to return home to a loyal dog, cat, fish, gerbil, or some other pet.  Only they seem to understand how troublesome your lunch table can be.

Candy Cane

Price:  About $5 per box of candy canes

What:  Candy canes are an essential part of a perfect holiday season, but not only are they for eating, they’re also for decorating.  The red and white stripes add festivity to anything, and you can put a candy cane anywhere. Let’s say you need to add a little festivity to the front of your house.  Hang a candy cane on your door knob.  Maybe you want classy decorations in your bathroom?  Hang a candy cane on the toilet seat handle.  You can even hang one on the nose of the dog you’re giving for Christmas!

Why:  You may think, “Giving a candy cane to somebody for a present is a stupid idea! It’s such a little gift!”  On the contrary, a candy cane is a perfect gift.  At just a few dollars for a box of hundreds of candy canes, you can buy somebody cheap, sugary happiness without spending significant amounts of money on them.  It’s the perfect way to say, “I appreciate you enough to give you a present, but there is a fine limit to that appreciation.”  You’ll be able to easily put an annoying friend in the “acquaintance zone.”

Gift Cards

Price:  Don’t be a Scrooge, give at least $25

What:  According to monthly magazine Mental_Floss, gift cards were invented by Blockbuster back in 1995 when the magnetic strip cards were on the rise, and paper gift certificates were too easily forged.  Today, millions of dollars are spent each year on these plastic beauties, and Christmastime is no exception.  Simply walk into a store, pick out a pretty card preferably with a holiday theme, and then demand that the cashier place certain dollar amount on the card.

Why:  It’s quick, easy, and requires no thinking on your part.  The classic gift card for teenagers is the iTunes gift card.  Because most kids don’t have any form of credit or debit card, iTunes cards are a hot item among tweens who seem to devour boys in skinny-jeans singing about their “dreams.”  If you need a gift for that one person who returns every gift they get out of the pure evil of their heart, a gift card is the way to go.  Sit back and chuckle as you watch them try to return that!

Cookies

Price:  Must be made from a store-bought mix.  Making them from scratch just doesn’t work.

What:  Christmas cookies are one of the most varying and adaptable gifts on the planet.  Each person that bakes cookies has a slightly different way of making them, and that difference can sometimes lead to either a soft treat that melts in your mouth, or a tough jawbreaker that cracks your teeth on the first bite.

Why:  They’re delicious!  There’s nothing like a soft chocolate-chip cookie baked with love, dipped in kisses, and sprinkled with magic.  The smell of fresh baked cookies is a winter essential.  However, don’t let those high school girls make them.  They all think they can bake, but few will succeed.

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Price:  About $15.00 for a bag of chestnuts.  You do the roasting.

What:  Exactly as Nat King Cole’s iconic holiday song suggests, this winter you need some chestnuts roasted over an open fire.  Personally I’ve never tried it, however I’m sure it’s not that much different than toasting some marshmellows.

Why: It doesn’t get any more classic than this. Roasting things over a fire is a winter activity.  Popping chestnuts in a microwave or dropping them in a toaster just isn’t the same.  Not only do such behaviors pose a risk to the safety of you and your neighbors, but such methods simply are not festive enough.  Roasting things over a fire is altogether different.  And, in addition, these are chestnuts, which are pretty tough in the first place.  Now that’s some manly, yet classic, Christmas stuff.