BY WILL MAJCHSZAK

421 students walking roughly 3.1 miles per hour like hamsters through eight-foot-wide tubes. Similar to hamsters, plenty of students discard common courtesy and proper hallway etiquette.

Proper hallway etiquette is vital to keeping the school organized, happy, and healthy. There are several rules all students should follow to avoid awkward bumps, stepping on feet, and being yelled at by seniors.

A good rule-of-thumb is to follow the “Rules of the Road” when dwelling through the halls. For those who can’t drive or simply don’t follow traffic laws, here are some key points for you.

1. ALWAYS WALK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HALLWAY. No, I don’t just  mean the correct side, I literally mean walk on the right-hand side of the hallway. For all of you laughing right now because of how obvious this seems, you’d be surprised as to how many freshmen are hugging the left wall with their head down, bumping into numerous people and creating havoc. This is the number one rule because it is the most vital to keeping the halls run smooth

2. Do not stand in the middle of the hallway talking to your friend, either at a locker (in the Hall of Fame where traffic flow is heavy) or in front of a classroom. The difficulty of moving your body out of the way of everyone is so easy, a caveman could do it. If you put yourself out there, don’t act shocked if people bump into you.

3. Don’t sprint through the halls. Fellas, I’m looking to you here, especially the younger guys. You don’t want to be turning a corner while running and smack into that cute girl or that huge senior, do you? This is pretty self explanatory, so save yourself the embarrassment and slow down.

4. Common courtesy seems common in theory, but in reality, it’s not as prevalent as one may think. Don’t stop in the middle of the hallway to have a conversation with your best friend about that squirrel you saw on the way to school and how awesome it was. There are people behind you trying to get somewhere and do something, you aren’t Ptolemy and the universe doesn’t revolve around you.

“I’m surprised how unyielding and inconsiderate some people are to just stop in the middle of the hall to have a conversation. It’s like old women at shopping malls who just stop short in front of a store and stare at the window items,” says hallway vigilante Kevin Ferry.

Mr. Ferry perches on top of the handicapped ramp like Batman watching over Gotham City.

“The most uncomfortable hallway experience was a couple years ago when two love birds were smooching right in front of me. I just got next to them, and all of us were uncomfortable,” Ferry adds.

The hallway is not a place for extended socialization nor is it a place for you and your significant other to make out. PDA makes everyone around you uncomfortable and if you think otherwise, then you’re a fool.

“I hate it when people punch me in the halls. They always want to punch my biceps,” junior Keiran Phelan says.

When asked if Phelan ever commits hallway violations, he responded with, “Well, if looking good is a violation…”

Common courtesy and common sense will get you far through the depths of the halls at MHS.

The rules of the hall aren’t exactly the most strictly enforced rules in the school, but they were several years ago. Michael Miller, a former Mariemont grad, patrolled the halls with an eagle eye. Mike Miller’s “Hallway Disciplinarian” video can be found here.